When You Close Your Eyes Before Screaming.

The emptiness hit me tonight
While out at the weekly markets shop
It wasn’t exhaustion, like other times
It wasn’t darkness or depression, like other times
It wasn’t grief or sadness, like other times
It was a sudden stopping of the energy
and enthusiasm
that I had carried for the past 2 days.

The emptiness hurt tonight, because
Suddenly I wasn’t the me that I like to be
The me that engages with others
That brings and shares energy
That creates the life he wants
The me that is victorious.

Suddenly I was the helpless
the defeated, unworthy, guilty,
ashamed me
Lost and helpless, to the whim
of some unknown action.

I focussed on positives, grasping for a lifeline
I stopped and breathed, grasping for peace
I tried to let go of it all, grasping for anything else
But still resisting the present
Still resenting this present.

And feeling that none of this was “working”
(that is, none of my efforts were changing the situation)
I cried out in my head
I closed my eyes and breathed and said
“This is not me.”
“This is not me.”

And just maybe there was something
In that release of control
In that pleading for release
That shifted the angst
That unstuck me just enough
To take a little step forward
Just one step away from that place
Towards tomorrow
Towards whatever may come my way.

Life is moments
Some we want to last forever
Some, we would rather forget
But, whatever the reason, whatever the feeling
I think that we have a hand in the outcome
I think that we have some say in our future
I think that maybe we are more in charge
than we realise, a lot of the time.

.
===
.

[ I had forgotten that this week started roughly for me. Monday morning I was feeling vulnerable and lost. With some support at the start of the week, I pushed through the days, focussing on whatever positives I could find. I had forgotten that it takes energy to push through all that I did. I had forgotten that being energetic and sharing that energy with others can be draining sometimes. So maybe all of that contributed to what happened tonight. Maybe I just want there to be a reason, whether in my control or out of it. Because I don’t want to know that this could just happen anytime, for no apparent reason. ]

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