Painful Self Realisation.

What does it mean?
This hole in my heart
this emptiness
this loneliness
that demotivates
melancholies me.
Part of me grieves
for the missing
human connection
I crave
and grieves for
my dependance
on others.
Wondering how
to find in myself
a love
that has been missing
my whole life.
I grieve for
four decades
of lovelessness
of struggle
Unconsciously questioning
“why don’t you love me”
and never really
loving myself.
Now I’m so weary
exhausted from
the eternal struggle
for acceptance
so tired.

===

Now I fully understand
The truth is clear in front of me
Before there was a knowing
Now the realisation hits home
I will never be happy
I will never be content
I will never reach my potential
While I rely on others
For the love that I need
While my core belief remains
That I am unlovable
And I need love from others
To feel worthy.
It seems too big to overcome
I blame myself only
As I cry inside
Feel hopeless and useless
As I fail at life.

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