Completely Spent. 

Can barely handle this. Trying to survive tonight. There’s no point, nothing to hold onto, nothing to blame, no one that can comfort me. So I hate myself for being in this place. Want to bash myself against something, want physical pain to give me a focus instead of this lostness that throws me about without marking my skin. Cruel gentle torture. Tearing me apart inside. Leaving a hollow shell that just crumbles when there is nothing else left. I am what is consumed by this pain. I am the nothing else. I am the cold empty cavern, that echoes your footfalls as you walk through me unknowingly. To most I do not exist. To me I am a dark chamber, yearning to be filled with light. Longing for life when I know only emptiness, the pain of isolation, the hurt of being misunderstood.

I don’t want tomorrow to arrive. Most days are the same for me, pain. I can’t face another. More failure. More hopeless unrest. More reminders of what I’m missing.

How can I be not failing when I achieve almost nothing? When I fall behind. When I let others down. When I can’t contribute.

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4 thoughts on “Completely Spent. 

  1. This is heavy and raw. Are you okay? I realize we don’t know each other past the computer screen but I sincerely hope you’re doing better than what your words are telling me here…sending love and strength your way, Lauren

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    • Hey Lauren, thanks for your concern. I’ve had some bad days, lately and this was among the worst. I have some good support, but still must rely on myself ultimately and some days, well, some days even the only person who really knows me completely can’t support himself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I can only hope and pray that you stay strong even in your weakest moments and know that somehow, somewhere there is light at the end of the tunnel and a greater meaning to life. (I’m no expert. I’m grateful for my family but we have our own concerns about our daughter’s health. She’s fine, long story, but the future is uncertain.) Her motto is “Live in the Here and Now.” Just felt like sharing. 🙂 Your name is Peter, right? I like calling people by name and strive to get the names right…take care of you!

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