First Awareness.

This morning my focus shifted.

From a weekend of enjoyment, friendship and excitement

Where every moment was looking forwards 

to interaction, conversation, stimulation

That time behind me now, I am searching

For connection, interaction, activation

And when the sad feelings creep in

My search goes to the only place I know when alone

My dark feelings 

The heartless, painful, angry emotions 

that shred my confidence

draw me into the sticky mire

and start me sinking down, again

away from all that is bright and life

And I caught it this morning

I was aware and noticed the sinking

as my immobile feet and ankles started chilling 

So I grabbed a branch to stop myself

But I’m not sure if I will be able to pull myself out

And whether the suction will release me anytime soon

.

[ Shocked by the suddenness of the return to the old; knowing how strong it can hold; And how easy it is to slide deep into the mire; without realising until it seems impossible to move. Aware of the shift in mental focus, but unsure what I can do. ]

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4 thoughts on “First Awareness.

  1. Oh how I can relate to your words. And they touch me deeply. Especially, “And when the sad feelings creep in. My search goes to the only place I know when alone. My dark feelings”. Such visceral and honest words. I admire your level of self-awareness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate the sharing of your relatedness, but also sorry that you seem to understand my words so well. It is not something I would wish upon anyone.
      I have no difficulty understanding & sharing of myself in this way, it is perhaps in more mundane matters that I struggle to do so equivalently.
      In this particularly incident, the awareness of it whilst happening was an unsettling new experience (borne from a recently completed 8 week mindfulness course).

      Like

      • I am very familiar with mindfulness meditation and happy to hear you opened yourself up to the experience…becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental process. Just letting them surface to awareness and becoming “mindful” of their existence…I hope the course was a benefit to you. I try to practice it on my own because I’m actually trained in this type of therapy, but perhaps I would benefit from a course as well.

        Liked by 1 person

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