Too Much Emptiness.

Uneasy melancholy
Has been growing and displacing me
Pushing through my head
Leaving my body feeling dead
Looking for something new
To pull me through
Or something old
To rekindle what’s grown cold
Can’t make sense
Unsettled and tense
No deciphering
The overwhelming feeling

.

I am not a failure
I am trying for a hint of understanding
of what is beyond my senses
It feels like…
Every time someone made fun of me
Every time i felt rejected
Every time communication failed
Every time I couldn’t ask for what I wanted
Every time someone held me back
Every time I felt misunderstood
Every time I felt trapped, pressured
All flooding back to me
Over fourty-five years’ worth
Regret, pain, angst
Here with me tonight
Shoving me around
Laughing
Ignoring me when I reach out
Frowning
Despising looks at me

Fighting urges to hide, disappear,
Curl up and die somewhere
Fighting the pressure of the past
All I ever wanted was connection
To feel human with someone else
I failed
It’s my fault
I don’t deserve it
All that I want, I don’t deserve
Life has shown me this
That’s the worthlessness of human existence
Small and insignificant gets nothing
Brittle empty shell
Crushed under the foot of the world

(21 March 2015)

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