Death dare not come for me
My anger will not keep him away
Though that is all keeps me going
When all is numb and dead from the brokenness of my life.
Today I can’t see past the brokenness that is spilling out from me,
Death dare not reach for me
This brokenness will separate dead bones
will disintegrate dead fabric
will blunt even the blade of death
I don’t feel any love today
My heart is black
There is only anger left
And it smothers me while it carries me along
I judge others as I judge myself
Harshly and bereft of compassion
This I was taught
This I still do
I trust no one as I trust not myself
This as I learnt
This I still do
I believe others judge me
As I judge them
As I judge myself
Swiftly and mercilessly, without a second thought
No one to trust
Not myself nor others
Today I am blind
To anything outside my mind
Despising who I am
And who I become
This started when I was a child
Before I could understand what life was
Lack of connection
Haunting my whole life
Scratching at me more often than not
Words are not my friend today
Words have come out
dragging along all my darkness
Out into the light
Horrified and exhausted
This shell of a body wants to collapse
I understand my exhaustion.
I understand tiredness triggering negatives today.
I need to care for myself now,
just enough to sway my thoughts towards some positivity.
I want to cry.
I want to let go of the hurts.
And yet I’m scared to let go of all that I know of as me.
I’m scared that there won’t be anything left afterwards.
I’m scared and lonely and hurting.
(Friday 14 November 2014)