All In My Head.

I may be overly tired
From helping out at my Mum’s today
when I would have rather slept the day away
And making dinner
when I really wanted to curl up and hide away
But I think tonight
The tiredness clears my vision
through the usual obstacles I put up myself
And for this moment at least
I see…

In my head
is where this all comes from
today’s anxiety
tonight’s melancholy
I create the thoughts
and perpetuate the feelings
I cling to these pains
these dramas
I justify my response to perceived wrongs
I blame others for perceived inaction to help me
I look at myself and find fault with who I am
But none of this helps me
I continue this distressing journey of restriction and pain
because it is all I know
Ever since childhood
Pain, loneliness, abandonment, unloved
Despite wanting to feel otherwise
Despite seeing what really living is
Despite knowing what I want
I have no experience of living free
unburdened
unbound
unrestricted
These are foreign concepts to my understanding
How can I imagine them
and make them materialise
How to manifest my dreams
when nightmares rule my mind
Always running
fleeing
needing to escape
but never managing any more
than just staying out of reach of the sinister
scary
threatening
behind me
yet constantly
filling my vision
I need a healthier mental focus
an image that fills me with hope and love
propels me forward
I need a sight of unusual beauty
to capture my imagination
to inspire me to greatness
to bring out the real me
That is cowering in this cave
unsure
uncertain
unnecessarily shy
Interpreting the questioning looks of others
as disapproval
when they were actually stunned
by the power within the person before them
unsure
not having seen quite like this before
As so many looked on
with rose-coloured glasses
The opposite pair
were shielding my eyes
darkening my vision
restricting my view
until
too few
good thoughts
came through

Time to
renew
Clean through
the old you
Begin anew
There is nothing to undo
Just attend to
creating the view
that you know is you

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