My thoughts are all on me
Trying to analyze, understand, fix, cope, avoid.
My whole life has been about prevention
When it’s cold and your teeth rattle with shivers, you put on a warm coat
When you can’t see the page in front of you because of hay fever running nose and itchy eyes, you take antihistamines
And you start to plan ahead, anticipate, prevent
To avoid the uncomfortableness, unpleasantness,
The irritating, distracting and pain-causing.
Avoidance and Prevention become a religion, second nature
Soon you apply that mindset to every part of your life, instinctively,
without realising how it has taken over and directs your life
But you are aware of what is missed out on
The strong positive feelings in moments that would happen
if you didn’t prevent them, avoiding possible embarrassment, shame, fear.
And the experiences you truly want, clash with this all-powerful self-preservation.