Self Preservation Overload.

My thoughts are all on me
Trying to analyze, understand, fix, cope, avoid.
My whole life has been about prevention
When it’s cold and your teeth rattle with shivers, you put on a warm coat
When you can’t see the page in front of you because of hay fever running nose and itchy eyes, you take antihistamines
And you start to plan ahead, anticipate, prevent
To avoid the uncomfortableness, unpleasantness,
The irritating, distracting and pain-causing.
Avoidance and Prevention become a religion, second nature
Soon you apply that mindset to every part of your life, instinctively,
without realising how it has taken over and directs your life
But you are aware of what is missed out on
The strong positive feelings in moments that would happen
if you didn’t prevent them, avoiding possible embarrassment, shame, fear.

And the experiences you truly want, clash with this all-powerful self-preservation.

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4 thoughts on “Self Preservation Overload.

  1. Interesting insight.

    I’d guess you’d know there has been a lot of recent research linking depression to chronic inflammation. The sort you get if you have a lot of allergies or other auto-immune problems.

    When I first started reading about it and reflecting on my own medical and emotional history it made me wonder if being allergic to lots of things for a long time might lead to a sort of default psychological state of aversion. An inner cringing at exposure to the world due to associating contact with pain and discomfort. So perhaps my mental state came to mirror my physiological one – irritated over-reaction to external stimuli.

    Of course a more conservative and rational interpretation is just that being sore, itchy, uncomfortable and tired for a lot of the time is likely to make you feel down.

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    • I think both interpretations apply in some way. Your first one is exactly what was coming to my mind as I attempted to evaluate myself from an external viewpoint last night.
      I would be most interested in reading up or discussing more of this, feel free to email me via my “about page” if you would be so kind. Thanks for adding some valuable insight!

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  2. Your words remind me of my personal journey. I know we are all different and must each find the way that works for us, so the following are thoughts your words brought up for me. I’m sharing them because, for me, it was important to know I was not alone in my search for surrender.

    Being on guard, focusing on self preservation can, for a time, be a valuable survival resource. The tricky part is learning when it’s time to let it go; to realise one is ready to go fearward (a wonderful word my writing mentor uses). Sometimes in the midst of this difficult discernment life can throw something at us and we can be confronted with the exhausting futility of trying to prevent the unpreventable.

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    • Thankyou for sharing these very encouraging words Tricia. I am beginning to understand the futility of old habits, even as thoughts of moving into the unknown brings pangs of fear. And I will remember to be gentle with myself and ease into this new way of thinking, taking small steps where I can sense the new path.

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