I’ve been writing for some time now
usually to clear my head
sometimes to let out negativity
or express feelings of pain
And at the moment
despite writing and venting
as much as I am able
as honestly as I feel capable of
The release that I normally feel
is missing
and I wonder if
There is so much emotional pain
that I am not making much inroad into it
Or if what I am going through at present
requires some different technique
to achieve the release
I am accustomed to.
A topic has been coming up
around me, in a few places –
Asking for help
So perhaps this is what I need to do
to face some fears
and let all those closest to me know
out loud, or however possible
that I am not coping
with this illness
or mental state
or whatever combination of happenings
is going on with me,
To ask for help
and be open to finding out
whatever forms that may take.
And at the same time
I will keep acting upon
all actions possible to help myself
chase up all avenues of professional support
and know that this is all anyone can do
Know that I am supporting myself
to the best of my current abilities
and most importantly
be at peace with that
no matter what the short term outcomes are
because peace and rest
may be the only tools I have left
to positive effect
this current me –
This temporary state.


One thought on “Help.

  1. I don’t know you and can’t imagine your situation, so I have nothing to offer.
    I only know what works for me.

    What did work for me was the realisation that I had nothing to prove and no reason to be anything, anywhere or anywhen other than myself in the present instant. Pain or pleasure, success or failure, popularity or pariah status – it’s all just me and I’m just a reflection of the universe as it presents itself. By seeing myself not as an individual struggling against fate and my own inadequacy or even as a superior entity who can bend his surroundings to his will but rather as a contiguous and contingent part of a perfect whole I was able to accept what I experience with equanimity.

    There’s still pain and sadness, pleasure and exultation and everything else I previously felt – except the existential despair. It’s not so much going with the flow as understanding that I am the flow.

    If it wasn’t for you, with all of your ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses, there would be a wbdeejay shaped hole in space and time, cause and effect. You are you because of the universe and the universe is what it is because of you. It’s not good or bad, but it is perfect. Even with the suffering. It is what it is.

    Just empty words I know. Maybe you can fill them with something.


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