Crashing Crumbling Collapsing.

You say I am loved
And that you will give as much as you can
But the thought of being a burden
Pains me
Freezes me up
I would rather wither away
and shrivel up painfully
Than impose on others.
Because I don’t remember
feeling loved
and having someone care for me that way
Maybe there was
But my memory
and my experience
has been otherwise.
How do I tell myself
something I have never felt?
How do I hold onto a hope
that has never been part of my life?

I need help
I can’t do this all on my own
It takes all my guts to admit
and express it outwardly in any way
Just like this –
Leaves me exhausted
and needing to collapse in bed
Drained, spent
And then I don’t know what comes next
I fear what my actions bring

.

{epilogue}

Through telling you this
I begin to see more clearly
just how low I’ve fallen
And knowing that
brings just enough awareness
that maybe I will
be able to influence myself
and slow my fall
before I crash and burn

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