The Shame.

I feel guilt and shame
for being unhappy
while people around me
say they love me
and treat me decently
What is wrong with me?
How am I broken?
And how do you fix
an unknown problem?

I feel it sink into my stomach
and churn up nausea
Hitting me where it hurts
Physical pain
my most vulnerable spot
Autonomic Conversion

And I feel the retreat
Pull my barriers up
Close up, and
Withdraw
Just to feel
a little bit of safety
Weather the storm on my own
At least a few days
this journey will be
and many may notice
but not say anything
Select few
will ask me
“How are you?”
and I will open up
a small portal
just enough
to poke my face out
and explain
the pain
but never mentioning
the shame.

.

Exhaustion
from processing all this
and the pain
Then guilt
For not functioning
For not working
For not earning
For not contributing enough
For leaning on others so much
For being a drain
For being an anchor
holding others back
For just
failing.

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8 thoughts on “The Shame.

  1. That’s the depression. The guilt that comes with it. You get angry with yourself because you can’t understand why you’re not happy when for all intents and purposes you should be.

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  2. Beautifully expressed- but, I have to say this… if you had the strength to share it out loud you’re so brave, so strong. I hope you have less days feeling like a burden and more days spent reveling in the fact that you’re a blessing to many.

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    • Thankyou for using the descriptions brave and strong – it is good to be reminded even if its not how I feel much of the time. To be completely honest, I do not feel that I am a blessing to many – and I don’t know if that is faulty thinking or a fault of seeing. Really appreciate your comments.

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  3. well, I dont know you IRL but these words and others like them written by you have touched many people’s lives. This post alone left no less than 3 souls compelled to comment to you. My daughter is 14 years old, has been hospitalized 4 times in two years for severe depression and suicidal ideation. Your words could literally be coming out of her mouth. I know from experience how hard it is express what others seem unable to comprehend. I would say indeed you’re a blessing. You acted as a reminder to stop and really listen to my little girl when she is trying to talk. For that simple reminder to me, and to another, you could literally save lives by sharing your experience. Its simple and its profound.

    Much love to you in your recovery from these dark moments.

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    • Thankyou for pointing out
      what I fail to see
      So often I am blinded
      by innate negativity
      Looking at myself
      and what I manage to do
      My brain chooses the missing
      and the unsuccessful view
      Though with your input
      and the kindness of friends
      I catch glimpses of achievement
      through the positive lens
      So while my words have reached you
      with a quiet message to remind
      This sharing is most important
      to maintain my balanced mind

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