Feeling Redefined.

Measured against some preconceptualised notion of human emotion
I worry that I don’t feel enough
Because I didn’t cry at his death
Or the funeral
Because I don’t weep and gnash my teeth
Because at the other end of the spectrum
Passion, excitement, intimacy
Are far larger in my imagination
Than in my reality
Because what I feel around her
Holding her
Is only the ghost
Of an earlier me

Rewind. Realign. Redefine.
I am who I am
Right now, right here
Being as honest as I can with myself
I am aware that I feel
Emotions spread over the whole day or two
are not focused into small moments as some others experience
I know I feel because I care
Caring this much is tiring
And lately my sleep has been less than enough
for any normal day, week
And with this added stress
it’s not surprising I struggled to move today
Body telling me it just needs a rest
And I didn’t understand that until tonight

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6 thoughts on “Feeling Redefined.

  1. “I know I feel because I care
    Caring this much is tiring”

    Yes it is, and it also shows in your writing.

    There are times we feel so much, that we actually stop feeling. There is no room left. It’s at those times that we have to grow a little more to allow room for all we carry within.

    The process of growth and transformation is one of the most exhausting stages of our lives, but also the most liberating once completed 🙂

    I hope you get some peaceful rest 🙂

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  2. Thankyou Serena, I had a very deep rest this afternoon after reading your comments 🙂

    I’m uneducated about this concept of growing a little more to allow greater emotional room. This may be what is happening or trying to anyway. Are you able to shed some light on this for me?

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  3. That sounds like hard work Peter… do please look after yourself.

    It’s easy to think we’re wrong if we’re a little different but normally we’re not so different at all it’s just that all those who don’t live up to society’s norm keep quiet about it for fear of being ostracised…

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  4. The last day and half has been a time of coming to understand how I feel grief and being thankful that I have had the time (not working) to give myself space to understand that. Growth.

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  5. Peter, i’ve waited to comment because I wanted your words to settle in me.

    We all grieve differently. There is not right or wrong way, just our way. One doesn’t have to weep and wail to grieve, while for others there’s and intense relief to be found in weeping and keening. Often in the early stages, many people experience an exhausted numbness. I think this is natures way of allowing us to come to terms with the death of someone we love, gradually. In some instances if we were hit with the full impact of our grief we would buckle.

    For the first weeks after my son’s death I walked around in a daze. If someone handed me food I ate, if someone asked me a question I’d ask them to repeat it, then try to answer. I remember saying I don’t understand how anyone can take tranquillisers, i’m already living in a thick fog. And even though we’d suffered the same loss, my husband and I lived it differently. It was very important for our relationship that we accepted this.

    After my husband died, I organised his funeral, with help closed the family business, there was so much to be done and I did it. People were amazed at how I was coping. Then almost a year later, I tried to end my life. I spent a few weeks in a psychiatric hospital, and I still see a grief therapist from time to time.

    Some deaths we never get over but we do slowly learn to live with them. I still have what I call ‘grief storms’ but they are less frequent and less intense.

    Peter I suggest you listen to your body and your heart, don’t judge yourself. Yes question yourself because I believe our indiviual answers lie within us, and for some of life’s questions there are no answers.
    Take care my friend, be gentle with yourself
    Hugs
    Tricia

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    • Tricia, thankyou for taking the time to let my words settle with you, and for sharing your story with me. I really do appreciate your insight and advice. I have managed to accept however I have felt throughout this time, thanks to the support of people such as yourself. I also accept that feelings may be yet to come and I thank you for giving me guidance on what may occur.

      In the immediate days after the funeral there were times when I just had to pause what I was doing and listen within to accept the feelings that were bubbling up. I am sure that doing so has helped me get through this time.

      I will keep a monitoring eye on myself and a few close people will also. I suspect that being in a more positive frame of mind regarding my life at the moment is helping and I will take care anytime my thoughts tend towards negativity again.

      I remain open to my feelings and what life may still bring my way. Thank you so much for your care and sharing, I really do appreciate your thoughts.
      Return-Hugs
      Peter

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