Mediocre Life.

I want to feel closer (to you) than I do. Why? Because it doesn’t feel good enough, fulfilling enough, to be worth the effort that goes in. Am I being selfish? What’s selfish about wanting life to be fulfilling, wanting life to have meaning?

If I don’t really feel a relationship anymore, then what has it become?
Many things have changed on both sides, whether or not that is realised.
I am aware, I am observant, and I feel deeply, so when those feelings fade something significant has taken place. Whether suddenly or slowly matters not. Where we are now matters most. Where we want to be matters much.

The uncomfortableness starts from deep inside. How long has it been there? Probably longer than I realise. I suspect it influences how I am, who I am, with you. Which will influence your “with me” as well, whether you realise that or not.

I know all these things. I see all these changes. I feel all this. I cannot un-feel, I cannot un-know, I cannot forget what I see.

I let these observational feelings direct me. That may not be for the best, but it is who I am. Because I feel, they effect me. Because I feel, they push me. Because I feel, I seek what I want. I seek what will make me whole. I seek what I feel I am. My insight is feeling. My emotional feelings are my guide.

Do I have reason not to trust my feelings? I can only trust what I know is real. How I feel is real. How I feel may change, but this moment is as real as my feelings. My feelings are as real as this moment. My feelings are as fleeting as this moment. This moment recurs, comes back, familiar and unsettling as always. These unsettling feelings are me, are mine. Would that they could be otherwise.

To find calm, to find myself amidst the feelings. Can I pull myself out of these feelings and really be who I am? Oh to be free of the feelings and just to be me. Not tugged or pushed in any direction, not missing nor lacking, not wishing or striving, but being me without anyone else. Without interference, a clean clear signal that carries forever. I am. I be.

If you are not here with me you are not of me. If you orbit around me without sharing the energy, we cannot combine. We cannot create a new element without giving up ourself.
There would still be you and me, but ultimately the significance would be us. The whole greater than the sum of the individuals. Is this not what coming together is for? Is this not the creation we are capable of?

Lofty goals, meet achievable mediocrity. Freedom, meet fear. Wishes, meet reality. I wish for freedom to reach my lofty goals. The reality of fears reaches mediocrity.

Mediocre

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