Locked Away – Part 2.

Occasionally I roll over
But there is no motivation to move from here
No desire to do any of
the normal daily actions:
eat, drink, shower, clothed, go to work
Nothing else matters
but drifting in and out of sleep
Time passes slowly but this doesn’t bother me
Put my earphones in for some music
and drift away again
A thought questions if I am really tired from illness
or perhaps avoiding facing up to life
I don’t care
Negative motivation factor
keeps me cocooned in comfort
Cold air creeps in through a gap in the covers
normally this would unsettle me immediately
I don’t care
and slowly drift away again
Another thought questions if this is depression
maybe it is
but then those stupid drugs aren’t working
I don’t really care

Locked Away – Part 1.

This prison cell is too comfortable
There is an inviting mattress with soft sheets
a mouldable fluffy pillow full of feathers
and a woollen quilt with an extra blanket on top.
The stone walls around me, made up of negativity
are silent today
The only sounds I perceive
the blood pumping through my ears
and the ever-present tuned white noise of my tinnitus
Am I breathing? I don’t really know.
I glimpsed some positivity
as it wafted in on a faint breeze, through the barred window
and then continued out on its way.
I don’t want to leave here
In fact I don’t want to do anything.

Help.

I’ve been writing for some time now
usually to clear my head
sometimes to let out negativity
or express feelings of pain
And at the moment
despite writing and venting
as much as I am able
as honestly as I feel capable of
The release that I normally feel
is missing
and I wonder if
There is so much emotional pain
that I am not making much inroad into it
Or if what I am going through at present
requires some different technique
to achieve the release
I am accustomed to.
A topic has been coming up
around me, in a few places -
Asking for help
So perhaps this is what I need to do
to face some fears
and let all those closest to me know
out loud, or however possible
that I am not coping
with this illness
or mental state
or whatever combination of happenings
is going on with me,
To ask for help
and be open to finding out
whatever forms that may take.
And at the same time
I will keep acting upon
all actions possible to help myself
chase up all avenues of professional support
and know that this is all anyone can do
Know that I am supporting myself
to the best of my current abilities
and most importantly
be at peace with that
no matter what the short term outcomes are
because peace and rest
may be the only tools I have left
to positive effect
this current me -
This temporary state.

Continental Drift.

An extra set of hands
to soothe and comfort
to touch and care for you.
I cannot share enough love
the contents of my heart, strain
through these ten points of contact
Can I reach you enough
to make a difference?
My influence searching
through your darkness
Moulding your nothingness
into a solid
we can both feel.
Feelings to connect
to join you to me
so that you don’t drift away
again, forever.

.

[ I wrote this for myself, Words and feelings that I need right now, While thinking about how it could be for me. And a thankyou to Natalie for the inspiration. ]

Crashing Crumbling Collapsing.

You say I am loved
And that you will give as much as you can
But the thought of being a burden
Pains me
Freezes me up
I would rather wither away
and shrivel up painfully
Than impose on others.
Because I don’t remember
feeling loved
and having someone care for me that way
Maybe there was
But my memory
and my experience
has been otherwise.
How do I tell myself
something I have never felt?
How do I hold onto a hope
that has never been part of my life?

I need help
I can’t do this all on my own
It takes all my guts to admit
and express it outwardly in any way
Just like this -
Leaves me exhausted
and needing to collapse in bed
Drained, spent
And then I don’t know what comes next
I fear what my actions bring

.

{epilogue}

Through telling you this
I begin to see more clearly
just how low I’ve fallen
And knowing that
brings just enough awareness
that maybe I will
be able to influence myself
and slow my fall
before I crash and burn

Computer Rage.

The indescribable frustration
Of pouring out my soul
into poetic words
Finally clearing my head a little
Finally feeling some comfort
And then it’s no longer there
Not saved, not deleted
just gone
Thanks Apple Notes web app

In my right hand off-the-scale frustration
In my left hand zen-like acceptance

The words are free now
They just could not bare to be confined
to a screen, to digital storage
They were brave enough,
to go out on their own
Am I?