update_cr

Update.

Life is tiring.
The last 18 months and more has taken it’s toll.
My body is exhausted.
With that comes mental struggles.
I have people helping me.
Friends and professionals.
Lately it is not enough.
I am in emotional pain.
Distraught. Struggling.
I barely manage a few hours of functioning each day.
And I need daily time to write it all out of my head.
It’s the only way to survive.
I want to read your words.
I want to connect with your feelings.
Honestly. I long to connect with you all.
Please remember me.
As I remember you all. Daily.
I occasionally drop by your writings when able.
Otherwise please forgive my extended absence.
You are already missed.

I will keep posting my own journey below.
Please stay in touch.

Who Am I?

…these thoughts progressed from previous post Future Fear.

If my thoughts and feelings don’t define me
Who am I then?

Decades spent living within my head,
To not be caught up in that
To not be entangled by inner monologue
Is as foreign a concept as living on an alien planet
Who am I then?

Perhaps the question is irrelevant
Who will I be then?

Perhaps I will be able to find myself
Able to consider and explore options
Discover parts of myself that were cowering,
Fearful of the snarling future
Who will I be then?

I will be
Who I am now
Deep down inside
All that which makes me
All the humanness will survive
How will I be then?

I will let go of the confusion
And the distracting static
All of the sticky,
Brain path clogging,
Muddiness.

I will find myself
In others
In my choices of relationship
In my clear thoughts
In the little decisions I make,
Every moment choosing,
Who I want to be.

20140929-213141.jpg
[ image from Facebook, original source unknown ]

FutureFear.

Life has been so hard
for so long
I’m scared stiff to embrace it
Clinging to my illness,
my troubles
An escape clause,
for all that I fear facing.
Everyone caring for
and supporting me now
Where will they go?
Who will be left,
when I don’t need help anymore?
Loneliness terrifies me
The future growls at me,
it’s low, loud, snarl

(27 Sept 2014)

to be continued…
IMG_2115.JPG
[ self portrait on this theme ]

Midnight.

Tiredness overtaking me
But it’s healthy and balanced
The tv is off, the movie over
The dishwasher run
A lone, healthy, dinner enjoyed
Fed the rabbits
Settled her in bed
Ironed some clothes
Caught up watching Doctor Who

Somewhere our energy fields swapped
My tiring day turned into a busy evening
Her busy day turned into exhausted sleep
Bizarre beyond explanation

But the brown rabbit got all my attention tonight
He flopped at my feet
Chin flat on the carpet spot
Lapping up the head rubs and body rubs
Standing on his hind legs looking for treats
Way more than normal sultanas were given

A night well spent
After a day well spent
Working
and watching my thoughts
Feeling the distress dissipate after the moment
Practicing survival for now
Building hope for the future

IMG_2111.JPG

Don’t Think.

Don’t think
Don’t give the thoughts space
For they scream out, wail,
create panic and upset
They play on your fears
And bring you to tears

Don’t think
There is some way through this place
Whether success or fail,
There’s a way to live yet
Your own mind that clears
Brings you love from arrears

(23 Sept 2014)

Dead To Feeling.

At least in the pain
I feel something
My senses are alive
through all that troubles me

For outside the pain
there is nothingness
In this house
I feel so little of anything

Love is gone
far far away
Wants and urges
direct my feelings

I don’t want this
cold calculating existence
Despising the chill
my thoughts go dark

(24 Sept 2014)

Seeking Solace.

Wanting to withdraw
Stop communicating with the outside word
Feeling hurt by and not loved by those close to me
They would say otherwise
But my current mind state will disagree with them
Some of them have not been told
or may have forgotten
how much they are valued by me
Do I feel hurt and not loved by myself?
I feel the draw of withdrawal
because of all these things
Because I can’t bear to face the world outside me
and all the hurt I feel about it.

(24 Sept 2014)

Flow Rap.

Got to get away from this pain I’ve so much to gain but all i do is blame ‘coz someones always to blame whether they deserve it or not there’s always a reckoning when something goes wrong there’s a peacefulness beckoning calling so long the pull is so strong but I can’t go along ‘coz this peace is the final one the end of the song and I know that it’s wrong but what else can I do when all I want is you or someone who sees through this hard shell that I grew that interferes with my view of the world as a whole and smothers my soul leaves me gasping for air and grasping for someone who cares pull me out of despair and help me repair this broken form that wants to be whole once more – a whole lot more than I’ve ever managed before ‘coz I know that it’s there waiting – to inspire desire and provide all I require – all I ever need to fly higher and soar so pain no more.