Inconsequentialities.

all of this
“everything else”
that people call life
is inconsequential to me
the plans
the gatherings
the outings
and the everydayness of living
mean nothing
when
at its core
I feel no meaning with you
because
you focus more on the externalities
than on us
or
is it just, that
you are more comfortable
with the frippery
the easy comfort decisions
than the difficulties
of our connection

ponderings
are all that is left
when communication
becomes bereft

(16 Sept 2014)

Leftovers.

wbdeejay:

I am your leftovers
I am your end of the day
I am no priority the remainder of the time
Until sleep forces you close to me
Then I am your comfort
Or the plaything within your grasp

I can be flirty and energetic during the day
Makes no difference to your achievement focus
Blinkered to the opportunities along the journey
You show me token affection, leave me hollow,
Leave me in frustration, wanting
I am your insignificant significance

Originally posted on Of Love and Loss:

I am your leftovers
I am your end of the day
I am no priority the remainder of the time
Until sleep forces you close to me
Then I am your comfort
Or the plaything within your grasp

I can be flirty and energetic during the day
Makes no difference to your achievement focus
Blinkered to the opportunities along the journey
You show me token affection, leave me hollow,
Leave me in frustration, wanting
I am your insignificant significance

View original

All These Thoughts.

No answers
Just more complications
Physical
Mental
Health

Some days
There seems to be
Nothing Left of
Who I used to be
What I used to be
And what I felt good about

But maybe that was all
Some crumbly facade
That has fallen away
And now the bare me
Has no idea
How to protect itself
(Maybe it should not?)
No idea
How to deal with
All this feeling
All this change
All this pain
And uncomfortableness

It’s like a dirty trick of life
All that I ever avoided
Has come and hit me at once

Vulnerable
Insecure
Needing a care that
Who knows how to give?

(9-10 Sept 2014)

Crafternoon.

space invaders taking classes
tea and drinks in mugs and glasses
medieval brickwork thread
chocolates muffins green tea bread
knitting needles, wool on table
enamelled copper links of maille
paper lilies origami
cross stitching embroidery
android apple fairy cakes
and me word crafting whatever it takes.

IMG_2090.JPG
[ Sunday afternoon, table of 10, all craft working, group of friends. (Thankyou Helen for organising) ]

The Problem With (a) Marriage.

20 years we’ve lived together
and if you ask me about her -
about us
My thoughts spring straight to
a list of faults
failings

20 years of activities together
all tainted by my memories
of negativity
How most of the times
were disappointing
unsatisfactory

Today’s feelings are “why bother?”

It’s easy to blame someone else
and I am aware of
the problems with that course
It’s a harder road
to accept yourself as
contributing to it all

Different approaches to relationships

First it was “two become one”
join together, strive together
grow together
Each half contributing to
the development
of a whole

Religious commandments

But never any further explanation
or helpful guidance
idealistic
Not realistic for two young people
with little to no experience
of an actual loving home

What if one side contributes significantly less
and the other is struggling
What if communication channels
are crackly, full of static
and mostly ineffective
What if even the basics
of a functioning two-way relationship
are not even there?

Now I hear “fulfil yourself first”
supply your own needs
then let it flow over
Coming together is about
aligning contribution
rather than need

The free-thinker’s approach

And if you need assistance?
never learnt much self fulfilment
relying on honest support
If you are looking for a companion
with who to learn through life
What will your journey be?

Lost. Entered a relationship
to find myself
Found someone
just too close to me
So alike, and so different
Both needing something
unable to give

(28 August 2014)

Awakened.

How precious are you to you?
Do you feel the value
The strength imbued

Leave behind criticism
Make love your decision
But go not to narcissism

Reflection a shadow
Absorb awaken
Glow tho not boast.

(6-7 Sept 2014)

[written by wbdeejay and EJ Mason. Check out her book "Sex and The Suburbs" which contains some very emotional poetry and a thought-provoking love story]

Message Failure.

Nerve wracking
Seeing pain
Watching struggle
Inner conflict again

How to support

Why is it so difficult to accept support
A compliment
A kind word?
From others
(And from myself)

She told me
“We are still here,
even when it’s hard to feel or believe”
If I can just hang onto that thought
There is a chance I will survive

Seeing Myself.

Take a step back
And I see the struggle
The pain
Inner turmoil
Over and over again

The hurt saddens me
Wanting to support
Comfort, encourage
But how?

It feels like
I never received any of that
So never learnt how

But to support received
I am blinded by the darkness
And to comfort given
I don’t feel through the numbness
And the encouragement
Is deflected by negativity

Sadness is king of this domain
Despite my jester interruptions

(11 Sept 2014)

My Only Inspiration.

beautiful music
powerful heavenly angelic sounds
pierce my hard shell
trigger emotional reactions
set loose feelings held in tight
opening up to the music, means
feeling the pain as well
opening up to any beauty
brings forth the pain as well
don’t lock this in
let it out
let freedom take the pain
take the pain

if only it could

(7 Sept 2014)