Life is tiring.
The last 18 months and more has taken it’s toll.
My body is exhausted.
With that comes mental struggles.
I have people helping me.
Friends and professionals.
Lately it is not enough.
I am in emotional pain.
I barely manage a few hours of functioning each day.
And I need daily time to write it all out of my head.
It’s the only way to survive.
I want to read your words.
I want to connect with your feelings.
Honestly. I long to connect with you all.
Please remember me.
As I remember you all. Daily.
I occasionally drop by your writings when able.
Otherwise please forgive my extended absence.
You are already missed.
I will keep posting my own journey below.
Please stay in touch.
Something is not right
Not to say something is wrong.
Trying to uncover the persistent feeling of lack
Is looking for an unknown.
Will I recognise it when I see it?
I feel so tired and down
To do things for myself
The connection and love
That i feel is lacking
But knowing that I am capable
Is a step forwards.
I want to converse
These topics from verse
But the conversations I imagine
Have not been forthcoming
Who will comprehend
Help my consciousness ascend?
Answers I do not require
A small understanding may inspire
Me to connect in bigger ways
Bring energy to my days
(19 October 2014)
I keep crossing paths with this man
He seems confident, funny, intelligent
And I see that he is caring, open, not shy of his vulnerability
He seems to genuinely love his friends
And sometimes I hear him talking with love about his brother and sister
I feel like I’m getting to know him
I like what I’ve seen and
Wouldn’t mind getting to know him better
His friends, our mutual friends,
Have high praise for him
They confirm my observations
It’s not easy for me to make new friends
I’m usually so cautious about sharing myself
And risking rejection
But I’m feeling confident that eventually we’ll get on really well
And maybe one day I could consider him
A really close friend
That would be nice
(14 October 2014)
So tired of pushing
feeling and thinking
Want to leave it all
step away into nothingness
the blank whiteness
all that was
to let me finally
understand who I am
(23 October 2014)
Life feels like a game
First person perspective
But a linear path storyline
Replaying the same sections
over and over
trying to get them right
to progress to the next level
Sometimes stressful, intense
How do I get past this blocking point?
or careful observation and execution?
NPCs encourage us along
But ultimately our role is the key
To the story
Or is the princess in another castle?
Overwrought by feeling
Sadness and criticism
Not helping myself
Struggling to go on
Struggling with everything
Stopped feeling the outside world
Everyday touch, hugs
Fail to reach through
The invisible barrier
I sense it’s isolating effect
Try to punch through
It flexes and stretches
Stifles my screams
How can anyone reach me
Reach through these smothering surroundings
Asking myself, “How have I grown?”
I have grown by focussing on the positive aspects of myself and reinforcing their development.
I have invested time in friendships.
And Opened up with vulnerability in relationships.
I have helped others and through doing so helped myself.
I have relied on others and given myself space to fail.
(16 October 2014)
I’m discovering a relationship
That I didn’t really know
Because I was uncomfortable asking
It was easier to say nothing and wonder
Not that doing so was particularly easy
A relationship of understanding,
Companionship and love
Of life and dreams, sharing and enjoying
I’m learning about this relationship
Now that my Dad is gone
(25 Sept 2014)
The more I push myself
The more tired I feel
And it seems at some point
That I will just collapse
But will there be
Some sense of accomplishment?
(19 October 2014)
Stomach pains and exhaustion
Assail my previously positive self
Familiarity eases this little
Mood plummets as mental and physical energy disappear
All I have to get me through
Is words of guidance
Repeating these words is all that saves me
“In this moment exhaustion feelings are here”
“In this moment negative thoughts are here”
“My thoughts & feelings don’t define me but I can bring a gentle awareness to them.”
(17 October 2014)